I haven't been blogging for quite awhile now. There have been a lot of life changes. I spent 4 years in New England, specifically Rhode Island and worked doing freelance AV to try and make some money. My marriage to my beautiful wife Nancy collapsed, which was strange as I ended up in a hospital twice because of the severe Panic attacks. I finally found the medication that helped me without the use of Clonazepam. I guess that Nancy didn't believe me when I told her that I felt more like myself. I take full responsibility for the collapse of my marriage. I hurt Nancy badly due to my growing dependence on Clonazepam to try and keep my anxiety in check. I have been diagnosed with severe panic disorder, PTSD and clinical depression. I can't begin to describe what a panic attack is like except to say that it is incapacitating and the worst part is the sheer terror I feel as my mind tries to find out what is causing such holy terror.

   So, I am now back in Colorado. I have missed being here as I have traveled around the country due to my job as a broadcast operations technician. I liked New England, Massachusetts especially but I hated Rhode Island, though I don't know why. I believe that Nancy thought I resented moving there, but I didn't. Our second home was a nice, quaint little 3 bedroom house that I named "Lionfish" after the WWII submarine as it was small. But I kept sending out resumes to TV stations in the Boston market and had one interview at the ABC affiliate, WCVB, but they decided to hire a freelance person who had worked there already. So then I fell into AV work which could be hard, but it paid good money for some of the gigs and the income helped us out. The loss of my job at KPNX in Phoenix, took the heart right out of me after being laid off. Then my beautiful mother passed away while I was still in New England.

    So, I've applied for SSDI as my kids think I shouldn't work due to the panic attacks, but I would rather work and take my chances. I think it would be good to get back into either a TV station or a radio station' since I love broadcasting.I am now in the middle of rebuilding my life and missing Nancy everyday. I've decided to start blogging again as a way to sort out my feelings and get to a place where I can be me again. I decided to stop taking the Clonazepam for a couple of months and see if I can manage these attacks without the use of benzos.

     I will post more as I get back into the swing of things. I am in Greeley, but want to move back to Colorado Springs, where I grew up or in Denver where I can work again at a big market TV station.

So...my question here is...While in a Shaw's grocery store in Rockport, Ma, I see this live lobster tank. Now Rockport is basicslly a suburb of Gloucester, a centuries old fishing town. But I find this sign to be indicative of the entitlement mindset of many..For people who have ebt cards, you can't buy cooked lobster with your ebt card, but you can buy a live lobster with your ebt card. Now, the question is, if you are receiving food stamps, how mich are you being given that you can buy a live lobster? And since most people who apply and receive food stamps have children, how does that work? Are people who are receiving food stamps feeding their kids lobster? Only in the Oligarchy that is Obama's Amerika. Forget the often quoted but not true statement of Queen Marie Antoinette, first the original French:

"Enfin je me rappelai le pis-aller d’une grande princesse à qui l’on disait que les paysans n’avaient pas de pain, et qui répondit : Qu’ils mangent de la brioche."

"Finally I recalled the stopgap solution of a great princess who was told that the peasants had no bread, and who responded: "Let them eat brioche."

Perhaps in Louis' France they had no bread and would have to settle for 'cake', but in Obama's Amerika, the poor don't need bread or cake, they can eat lobster. So, you can get an Obama phone, "free" health care and a live lobster courtesy of the National Socialist Party, aka, the democrat party.

So this is Boston

oh, by the way, this is my pride and joy, a 1974 ES-345 TD Stereo, what a piece of work

Well, we finally made it to Boston, actually to Pembroke where my sister-in-law lives. It's been cloudy, cold and rainy, except for yesterday, which was beautiful. I haven't seen this month green since I left Colorado and the road system here is as foreign as a tea party waiter at a Democratic fund raiser. I haven't felt that well, and I don't know why. I might be the change in climate or the hurried activity the last 3 weeks. Either way I like it. Now all I have to do is find a job and get back to work and I should be good to go. I really like this area, but we haven't decided what part we are going to live in, depending on Nancy's or my job. I am tired of not working and doing nothing but sending out nebulous resumes that I very rarely get responses on. Hopefully, I can find a job here in the metro area in a major station and not some small little no pay one. Though at this point I would take any job paying 15 or more. Oh well. Tomorrow starts a new day and hopefully I will get a call. That's all for now.

Life after KPNX and Phoenix TV

I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I last posted. So many things have happened in my life and after the winning of "the one", I haven't really felt any real desire to rant about something that is all over the internet. I lost a sister due to diabetic complications (some of my family members including me, believe she overdosed on insulin on purpose, therefore one might call it a suicide)
One the hand, I got married to a very sweet woman who hails from Boston. Imagine that, me an Alabama born, Colorado raised cowboy marrying a New Englander. It's different being married after I have spent so long living by myself and taking care of my sick mom. I also got laid off from a job I loved after 10 years of working my ass for them. I have spent over a year trying to find a new job in TV operations, but the markets are so tight as so many stations are going to automation.

Throughout it all, I have been suffering debilitating anxiety/panic attacks that my doctor doesn't seem to know what causing them. Don't get me wrong, outside stresses contribute to these attacks and aggravate them, but they come on for no reason as I can't consciously figure out what is causing them. Somedays, all I can do is curl up in a ball on the couch and watch tv to try and keep my mind occupied. Oh, I know people say try breathing exercise, yoga, going out for a walk and other such things, but nothing has helped to ease them when I get them except medication. Which brings me to another point.

Most of my life I have suffered from these anxiety attacks. Sometimes they last a few days, a few weeks and lately now, the last 2 years. I have gone to see my doctor any number of times to try and find which medication works and it turns out that xanax worked the best. The problem is, I am a recovering alcoholic and for a doctor to prescribe a narcotic like that is not the smartest idea in the world. Now granted I have not drank consistently through my life. I have had periods of sobriety up to 6 years at one time, the last bout was 4 years. But last November I felt like the wheels were coming off the wagon and I was losing my mind. So I ended up drinking on Nov 25 and then didn't drink again until Dec 27. All this time I was taking xanax which is not good. I woke up the 28th of Dec and decided to quit using any drugs at all or drink. Not such a good idea. I wasn't taking a whole lot of xanax, 1 to 2 mg a day to take the edge off, but it started to become an obsession and I knew I was in trouble. So I asked my wife to take me down to a 30 day drug rehab center to get cleaned up as I didn't want to drink anymore. It wasn't so much the xanax I was afraid of, it was the drinking. And I wasn't going that road as I knew I wouldn't come back this time. Life had become so dark and hopeless that I was staring into the abyss and didn't want to be another drunk that died from alcoholism.

Anyway, this will be my last post from Phoenix as my wife and I decided to move the boston area to seek new opportunities. I've always been fascinated with the northeast and Boston in particular and it should be a new adventure. 16 years in Phoenix is a long time and I feel I've tapped out here as far as TV goes. So I bid Phoenix goodbye and work my way to Boston. And perhaps my next post will be from Boston. To all my friends here, I will miss you dearly and I will try and stay in touch, but for now, I bid Phoenix adieu and move on to new adventures.

slayur