Friday, October 16, 2015

    I haven't been blogging for quite awhile now. There have been a lot of life changes. I spent 4 years in New England, specifically Rhode Island and worked doing freelance AV to try and make some money. My marriage to my beautiful wife Nancy collapsed, which was strange as I ended up in a hospital twice because of the severe Panic attacks. I finally found the medication that helped me without the use of Clonazepam. I guess that Nancy didn't believe me when I told her that I felt more like myself. I take full responsibility for the collapse of my marriage. I hurt Nancy badly due to my growing dependence on Clonazepam to try and keep my anxiety in check. I have been diagnosed with severe panic disorder, PTSD and clinical depression. I can't begin to describe what a panic attack is like except to say that it is incapacitating and the worst part is the sheer terror I feel as my mind tries to find out what is causing such holy terror.

   So, I am now back in Colorado. I have missed being here as I have traveled around the country due to my job as a broadcast operations technician. I liked New England, Massachusetts especially but I hated Rhode Island, though I don't know why. I believe that Nancy thought I resented moving there, but I didn't. Our second home was a nice, quaint little 3 bedroom house that I named "Lionfish" after the WWII submarine as it was small. But I kept sending out resumes to TV stations in the Boston market and had one interview at the ABC affiliate, WCVB, but they decided to hire a freelance person who had worked there already. So then I fell into AV work which could be hard, but it paid good money for some of the gigs and the income helped us out. The loss of my job at KPNX in Phoenix, took the heart right out of me after being laid off. Then my beautiful mother passed away while I was still in New England.

    So, I've applied for SSDI as my kids think I shouldn't work due to the panic attacks, but I would rather work and take my chances. I think it would be good to get back into either a TV station or a radio station' since I love broadcasting.I am now in the middle of rebuilding my life and missing Nancy everyday. I've decided to start blogging again as a way to sort out my feelings and get to a place where I can be me again. I decided to stop taking the Clonazepam for a couple of months and see if I can manage these attacks without the use of benzos.

     I will post more as I get back into the swing of things. I am in Greeley, but want to move back to Colorado Springs, where I grew up or in Denver where I can work again at a big market TV station.