Friday, January 30, 2009

Now what is next? "Bigger, Longer, thicker and more intense!" and I don't mean South Park!

So I am watching late night satellite TV. I think it was AMC and the movie was something I liked though I can't remember what it was. It might have been a Clint Eastwood Western or something when all of a sudden up pops this ad. Now about 2 weeks ago, I was dozing on the couch one late night with the TV on, and this ad came on and I wasn't sure what I saw, I thought maybe I was hearing things, I didn't catch but the last part of the video, so I wasn't sure what it was. With all the male enhancement ads out there, I thought maybe it was one of that genre. But last night I was wide awake and this pops up on TV and I sat there just staring at the TV. I couldn't believe my eyes. Who is the advertising wizard that came up with this stuff?

Viagra, Cialis, Extenze, Enzyte, and the "Progene" Chick! wow. And now "Clandestine personal vibrators"! sounds like a Special Ops weapon to me!

Now I am no prude, certainly not. I am old enough to know about sex and such, I do have 5 kids after all and I love women, and well, sex just as much as anyone else, even at my "advanced age". But do we really need such ads on TV late at night? It's bad enough that we are bombarded by the male enhancement ads, the worst being the "Viva Viagra" spots using the old Elvis tune. Or the Enzyte commercials with "Smilin' Bob" that are actually kind of funny even though the man who runs the business has been convicted of fraud but really, how many of these do we need on TV? Watch this spot and tell me what you think your kids are thinking when they have outfoxed you and stayed up late watching something on Cable or Satellite TV?

The Devinyls "I touch myself" fits nicely, doesn't it? But pardon me for a moment, the Angela Lansbury look-alike in the background adds somewhat of a creepy touch, pardon the pun, or not, doesn't she? Maybe she's the buzzkill so that the censors didn't nix the whole idea altogether. My apologies to her.

Now I suppose, the "in" thing for Christmas for your guy and girl friends is to buy them either male enhancement pills or get your girlfriend or gal friends the Trojan Vibrating Touch! Yep, it you can't get them a prescription for Viagra, at least you can get those men folk something that will supposedly make them feel bigger, longer and with enhanced performance! Now you too can give your lady friend a Trojan Vibrating Touch so she can take it to school, or work or to the movies when she goes so that anytime the need arises and passion flares, well, there ya go!

If I am not mistaken, I have also seen on satellite/cable TV, an ad for a penis suction pump. Now there's a real gift for your guy friends! I can hear the conversation now:

Steve: "Hey Bob"

Me: "Hey Steve"

Steve: "Since it's Christmas and I know you don't have time to date, I got you a couple of gifts!"

Me: "Really? that's nice"

Steve: "Yeah, I got you a penile suction pump and some male enhancement pills, that should fix you right up!"

Me: "Thanks, but I am not seeing anybody, why would I need them anyway?"

Steve: "Well, they're guaranteed to make you bigger, harder and give you better performance"

Me: "Gee thanks Steve, maybe I can use the male enhancement pills to get me a bigger paycheck and use the pump to clear that stopped up drain and get that crown out I lost down there, that's one stubborn sucker!"

Steve: "You're welcome Bob, you never know, you might run into that "Progene" chick, I hear she's pretty hot!"

And do you feel the need to do some exercise" at work? Try the "Pos-T-Vac"! Just excuse yourself from that all important business meeting and Wham! off to the men's room or locker room in the building and start "hoovering" that sucker. That way when you come back in, all the women in the office will look at you and each other and say "hmmm, do you notice something different about Tom? Did he get his hair cut? or is he wearing a new suit?
NO! he got himself one of those human milking machines and man, does it show! wonder what he's doing for lunch!" Jeez. And who is he thinking about? probably the "Progene" chick. Now, if I had a girlfriend that looked like the "Progene" chick, why would I need anything? I am not sure, but somehow taking a look at her, I don't think she is going to want to deal with some girly man who has to take a pill to get excited. "Hold on one minute baby while I take my extenze pill and finish using my Pos-T-Vac, and then I'll be ready". But that is my opinion. Personally? I do think she's cute anyway.

Is it me? or is anyone out there just getting fed up with the constant bombardment of breast enhancers, male or "penis" enhancers, extremely clandestine female vibrating finger toys and male milking machines? For the love of God, are men so feminized and brainwashed by the media and marketing companies that they are worried about the size of their Johnsons? are women so insecure anymore that their breasts are smaller in comparison to "Tiffany" or "Brittany" whose breast look like the twin "Graf Zeppelin" and "Hindenburg" docked in Lakehurst, New Jersey fighting under a tarp? It's said when the archeologist's dig up Snottsdale in a 1000 years, all they'll find is breast implants and dental veneers.

Ya know, people need to quit buying into this crap. If a man has a legitimate need for erectile dysfunction, fine. And most of the herbal supplements for male enhancements are bogus anyway, if anyone pays attention and does a little research. I mean the head of Enzyte is in big trouble and I haven't seen "smilin' Bob" on lately and I have to watch NBC Nightly News when I am switching with a one minute "Viva Viagra" spot right in the middle of the break. And the use of that song for that particular product makes me want to throw up anyway. And I don't know about y'all, but when I was jammin' with the band, we never sat around singin' and playin' about how after we got through we were going home and take a pill that would make our Johnson's hard enough to fly a flag from and make our military dad's proud.

And the constant stream of "male enhancements", "breast enlargers" and now "personal Vibrating touches" on top of "Penile suction machines" is just getting out of hand, no pun intended, well maybe.

Perhaps it's the sign of the times. I don't see anything wrong with sex at all, but there is a time and place for everything. And there is also a time and place for advertising everything. There is a "Shop Erotica" channel or infomercial on satellite and I would bet it's on cable too. The sad thing is, the FCC doesn't regulate much other than OTA (Over -The-Air for you civilians) so unless it's really really over the top, they won't do anything until gazillions of people complain. Alas, it's no wonder we are a sex-obsessed society with the geniuses of Park Avenue, if they can sell Madonna, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell, they can sell anything.

All I am waiting for now is Trojan to start using my re-cut version (above) of the old "Divinyls" song, "I touch myself" which would probably go good for that particular product. Listen to it again, can't let a good song and theme go to waste now can we?

Think I'll buy a few for some friends for next Christmas...and while I am at it, think I'll send the "Progene" Chick one of those Trojan Vibrating touches and maybe a penis pump enlarger or a Pos-T-Vac in case she lost an earring in her bathroom sink.

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