Sunday, March 25, 2007


I haven't really felt much like posting the last couple of days. With the loss of Buddy, I have been in a state of shock. I still can't believe he's gone and it's really hard to accept the fact that I won't see him anymore. I got a call yesterday morning (Friday) from Dr. Johnson saying she thought she should euthanize him as his core temperature was dropping and he had turned yellow from jaundice. I wanted to tell her to try and keep him alive, but I realized that it would have not been the best thing for him. So, I got ready to go to see him and wanted to hold him one more time as she administered the shot. But I was on the road and sitting at a light when she called and said he had died. I just turned around and went home and sat in the war room. I went to work later and my mind kept going back to memories of Buddy. Even now, I have moments where the emotions well up and then they fade. It's just so hard to imagine that we won't be playing big bad foot anymore.

Now my mom is in the hospital with pneumonia. She took Buddy's death pretty hard as she loved him as much if not more than I did. She did her best to help him. I realized tonight on the way home from work that he had been sick for awhile. She had to be taken to the hospital by paramedics today and that makes 3 times in less than 2 weeks that they have been here. She is not doing well and I know Buddy dying has hit her pretty hard. She is constantly in pain anymore and she is supposed to have surgery done on her amputated leg to try and help. But she is also supposed to have surgery done on her spine, which could end up killing her if not paralyzing her. She is already almost totally immobile and her body is just giving out little by little. So, I am surrounded by a lot of stuff going on. I think I am handling it okay, but sometimes I think I must be going crazy.

I haven't really felt much like talking to anyone. Even my friends at work, I just try to say what I have to say. I just don't really know what to say anyway. I just find myself wanting to be alone with my own thoughts and try and reconcile what I am feeling. It's times like this that I feel so alone. I have never really been that much of an emotional person, so it's hard for me to express any kind of feeling about what is going on. I think the only time I get really emotional is when I have been drinking, LOL. I just realize that this is life and there is nothing I can do about it, though sometimes, I do feel like walking outside and shaking my fist at the sky and yelling "stop". But, oh well, that won't change anything and there is no sense in increasing my frustration by doing so. I think I will just eat something tonight and go to bed early and then get up and go over to the hospital and see my mom. I hope she is okay. I miss you Razor, this is one time I wish we could play 'big bad foot'. I just hope that you're playing in kitty heaven, cos whomever is in charge there is gonna love you and they are going to need some thick socks.

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