The Thinking Man's Guide to Street Slang...or how to speak Fluent Moron

Since I have been waxing on how much I think that the whole Rap/Hop Hop culture thing is such Barbara Streisand (that's BS for all my friends in Fountain, Colorado), I decided as your humble, yet highly paid broadcast news person, to give you a primer on how to understand street slang. Now for some of you out there, this is a no-brainer as you have no brains and will instantly understand what the original (here referred to as MORON/Rap/Ghetto/Ebonix) version means. The problem for you comes in when I give the King's English or contemporary definition of what these people are saying and then you will lock up faster than a Chevy 350 running 8000 rpm on no oil, which is not a pretty site or a pleasant sound, trust me. I am constantly astounded how modern society (read white kids) try to emulate the black culture to the extent that they think they are actually black. Now, don't get me wrong, white America owes much to black culture, I mean look at how Elvis emulated black music, how many white musicians tried to reproduce the black soulful sounds of R&B, blues and jazz. It's truly wonderful music to enjoy, but where the rub is for me, is when people think that the whole "gangsta-playa-hood-wanna-be-rap-culture" (I should probably be shot just for typing those words alone!) should be accepted as a legitimate form of communication. Hmm, I think not. Though I am educated and love different languages and cultures, somehow I just have never found the time or the desire to learn to speak fluent moron. So, this, my friends, will be a learning experience for all of us, including your highly paid, yet humble broadcast news host. Without further ado, let us procede.

First off, let's get some grammar rules for how to pronounce slang, shall we?

EBONIX ETIQUETTE
*Any words ending with the letters TH is pronounced F. ex:strength - th + f= strengf
*Whenever possible cut and paste words. ex: come + talking + about=comtalbout
*Add "s" to the end of words that you know don't need an "s". ex:mouse + s=mouses
*Remove letters from words. ex:throw - r= thow
*Remove "er" from the end of words, and replace them with "a". ex: hooker - er + a=hooka
*Add "ed" to any verb to make it past tense. ex:saw + ed=sawed
*If the sentence sounds correct, start over you must have made a mistake.

Also, remember the perennial favorites; Ax is "ask" and when you say "a ham sandwich" you would need to say "a ham sam-Ich" get it?

To properly speak ghetto slang, if you are male, first off, you can not speak without first grabbing your crotch. If you don't, then you are not going to speak correctly. If you are female, you must talk loud and obnoxious, make gesticulating hand gestures and say, "un-huh, girlfriend","oh no you didn't" or some such rubbish. Also, an important part of learning moron, is to "talk with your hands". You have to move your hands almost as if throwing a ball and sort of a windmill type of gesture for someone who is fluent in moron to understand you. Watching anything on MTV, G4, BET or your major networks (such as American Idol on Fox or America's got Talent on NBC) will give you a great reference for learning to "talk with the hands".

Another thing to remember is, is that to be effective at speaking in Rap/Ghetto/Ebonics you must have the proper attire. Normally, women can pretty much wear what they want, but guys should be very meticulous about what they wear. Gang colors are preferrable, depending on what part of the country you hail from (that's where your 'crib' be for starters, how's that? your humble blogger decided to just get into the spirit!). Also, it is also desirable to wear as much gaudy jewlery as possible as you want to appear to be 'cool' to the ladies. Now depending on the weather and other factors, there are things to keep in mind. All fashionable Rap/Ghetto/Ebonix wannabes must have 1) a sports warm up suit that matches with a hood. 2) a baseball cap that has a favorite sports team, preferably worn backward unless you have the hood of your sports warm up suit on. Either way, proper etiquette for the wannabe Rap/Ghetto/Ebonix enthusiast is a must. Also, if you an on the go wannabe, it's best to combine a sports shirt with baggie pants that you can wear around your buttocks and white Nikes or Air Jordans that are untied. This will show everyone that you take being a wannabe seriously and you have good command of speaking fluent moron.

Now once again, I caution you, this is somewhat new territory for me also, so bear with me. I am sure I will get some kind of grief from someone. But I stress again, I don't speak fluent moron and I am using what resources from the net to help me. I would like to also point out a great resource for those of you who are interested. It's an ebonics translator for people who can only speak English. The link to the translator is here;

http://joel.net/EBONICS/translator.asp

as an example, I translated the following common English phrase into rap ebonics (moron);

"Help me, I don't understand ebonics"

translates to:

"Help me, I don' dig' ebonix ya'll is mad stupid."

give it a try and see how you can better understand what your neighbors are saying.

Anyway, I took the liberty of translating both with the help of the translator and without the translator (I am walking on shaky ground, I know) some of the most common phrases that are used in rap/ghetto/ebonics culture. Let's see how they go;

one of the most common sentences that you hear involves violence; wanna be gangsters (gangstas for those of you whose crainial cavity are locking up right now) always threaten to shoot somebody. So, when you hear;

"I be going ta smoke ya an don't make me pull mah gat!"

in English it means, "I am going to shoot you, however I am so stupid and illiterate that I am not going to warn you as I can't talk correctly." See how that works? good! let's try another one;

first off, the English version;
"I plan on going over to my girlfriends house and take her out on a date"
and now for the translation;

"I plan on going over ta muh ma f****** girlfriends crib an' take her out on uh date what the f*** sup now? "

(I omitted the f word for the most part as I do find it offensive and not very nice to publish on the internet. But, if you must talk in Rap/Ghetto/Ebonics slang, you need to get over using the F*** word as it is a staple among the initiated) let's continue shall we?

One of the biggest problems for these people is they are constantly hurting for cash. That might be because they have spent it on a weapon or the latest fitycent CD, which I highly doubt as they probably stole both. More than likely it is spent on bail money to get them out of jail for some crime they committed. But, when they need money, here is how they express it;

English;
"I am out of money and I need to get some"

Rap/Ghetto/Ebonics Slang;
"I be out o' money an' I need ta git some otay buh-weet"

Now, a word of caution, much like translating any foreign language, you have to be careful to pick up on the nuansces of that language. The above sentence is translated to english as "I am out of money and I need to get some." However, you have to understand that it really translates to in Rap/Ghetto/Ebonics as "I am out of money, I have a weapon and only one warrant out for my arrest. I think it would be a good time to go to my ex-girlfriends mothers house and do a break-in and see if I can take some stuff to hock at the local pawn shop. If she is there, I might have to shoot her." You have to be really careful about how you translate, you don't want to be rude and offend the person that is trying to communicate with you.

I think by now, with the help of the translator link I supplied and the above mentioned rules, you too can learn to speak fluent moron. Here are some of the ones I have learned;

Slang;
"Dat bling iz da bomb, I'ze gots to get me some"
English;
"I am so dumb that I have to revert to baby talk to express myself. I have a desire for nice jewelry, so therefore, I will have to go steal some."

Slang;
"True Dat"
English;
"I never learned anything in school, I didn't even go to school to begin with but whatever you said is probably correct."

Slang;
"I am down wif Dat"
English;
"I am so dumb that I can not form a real sentence, but whatever it is you said, I agree with it."

I hope this entry has been educational and instructive in learning how to understand the Rap/Ghetto/Ebonics (Moron) culture. I will continue this lesson another time once I have studied fluent moron a little more and have a better grasp on it.

Peace,