Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Just some thoughts for today, Rock N Roll is a vicious game

I am working on my G3 Mac right now, and the keyboard is a bit smaller than my normal one on Victoria. Victoria is the name of my G4 computer in the war room that I usually post on, but she is busy right now going through some upgrades and will be down for about an hour. But I just felt like posting.

I am surrounded by disease and death.

I wanted to say that, though I don't know why. That thought just kept going through my head all the way back from the hospital. I just got back from seeing my mom and she isn't in any imminent danger or at least I hope, it's still scary or should I say, disturbing.

In my experience, this has the potential of going from bad to worse in her case as she is not in the greatest of health. She thought she would be out yesterday and the pneumonia has taken a turn for the worst. And the pain from her 'little leg' as she calls it, the one she amputated when she was 13, is just causing her all kinds of problems. I spoke to the doctor who administers anti-biotics and she said, you have to talk to the doctor who administers the pain medication (internal medicine). She was freezing even though her temperature was 99˚. I covered her with 3 extra blankets, which are too thin to begin with and got her a cup of tea. They didn't want her to have sugar but I said, tough, I think she's big enough to decide what she want's in her tea. They wanted to take a sample of her 'sputum' or whatever she coughs up from her lungs to determine whether it's bacterial or viral. She was shaking so bad and I don't know whether it was because she was cold or the pain, or both. Either way, seeing her laying there in the shape she is in, was not a good thing. I spent a lot of time chasing down nurses, calling one of her doctors, calling the church to see if they would send over a priest to say the rosary with her. Funny how she's always been a devout catholic all her life and I get the same old bureaucratic BS from the very church she loves. I myself have nothing against the catholic church, I still consider myself catholic, but I am more low key. I realize that they have so many other people who are sick that need attention, so forgive me for seeming a bit impatient.

I was talking with Sawn and a friend of our's last night after group and he was telling us about all the other people we knew that had gone out again. I won't list names, but it's sad to think that out of all the people I had gotten to know, there are but a few, me included, that seem to be making any headway in this thing. Drinking for me was an escape from the insomnia, depression (that makes sense, right?) and the anxiety attacks that I have been suffering from. Until they finally got the right medication going in my system, it was days of no sleep, severe depression and anxiety and that in turn led me into a desperate measure of drinking beer to just shut it all off. I don't know what to say about all our friends that have gone MIA. I feel bad for them and the thought of me falling into that trap again is frightening to say the least. I am not going to die on that hill. As I have told friends of mine and Sawn, I will call in the biggest God D***** chopper I can find if that's what it takes. I've been to hell and don't want to go back. I can't imagine what it's like for a meth head, a crack addict, a heroin user or anyone like that. Hell, I didn't drink because I liked it, I drank as a way to shut off the pain. My doctor was amazed that I have lived for so long dealing with the depression and anxiety and that I wasn't a lot worse than I was. Still, if it wasn't for the help of people like my mom, my brother, The SgtMaj, Stevie, Mikey and Jimmy, a lot of people at work and Sawn, who knows at this point where I would be. And, above all, God. When I hear people say they don't believe in God, I just say to myself, well, that's all good and well for you, but I do and I know he's real cos that's the only reason I am here right now. Trust me.

Between the death of Buddy, my friend Pete battling cancer, my mom being sick and the death of my friend Marcia's son-in-law, you would think that I would be going crazy. Well, no, maybe I am already crazy and that's why I am holding my own. But I think it's more the reliance on God to trust in him and whatever happens, believe that it's all for the best. I am making my way down this road and just dealing with life as it happens. Not much I can do about it anyway, except roll with it. I think it's just that I've learned that people will let you down and when they do, just accept it. Rock N Roll is a vicious game baby, rock n roll is a vicious game.

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