Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The Calm before the Storm

I didn't get to bed or should I say, sleep until almost 5 am this morning. I was up most of the night, doing laundry, cleaning and working on the blog. I was also listening to the radio on the Internet (Advice Line with Roy Masters, which I always do when I am off), Michael Medved & Mike Gallagher. I also watched the Military Channel. All, I think as a distraction. Tomorrow is the day and when I did finally go to bed and fall asleep, I slept okay. I woke up around 9 am and briefly stayed awake and then rolled over and slept again until 11:15. This time, there were no strange dreams.

When I finally did wake up, I got up and just spent some quiet time before I did anything, meditating. I do that, though not as long as I think I should, so I can clear my mind and get centered. They say in AA to get up every morning and hit your knees. Now, I understand that, and that's the way to get into the habit of talking to God, but I talk to God on a minute by minute basis anyway. Maybe I should say, I am always trying to stay in touch with God by talking to him all day long. I meditate the way I learned from Roy Masters to stay in the moment. As his son David said, "Take a walk in the now". David did a really good show last week describing how it works. I have the show on my computer and should burn off the CD and listen to it more. And then pass it on to friends. It's amazing how close what Roy & David Masters talk about as far as being conscious and letting go of resentment and how AA says many of the same things. I often wonder if I am missing something when I go to meetings as I understand things without having to have them explained to me.

Anyway, I am calm today. I know that tomorrow will come (or at least is scheduled to) and there is nothing I can do about it, except, just go in and deal with it. I am trying to have no expectations on what will happen as when you do have expectations, you are usually let down. Many people in the program don't understand that concept. I hear a lot at meetings of people making "future plans" and my sponsor Philip has talked about that in his CD. I understand that tomorrow is due to happen, but can be postponed because of circumstance unknown at this point. Which brings me back to what David Masters said the other night that I found so true and something that I knew but have never articulated. There is no future, the future is always now, the concept of the future is a man made construct as we can never live in the future, we can only live at the very moment we are. I have told people and I believe, sure as you're sitting there, you can be alive and then take 3 steps and fall down dead. What is the point of worrying about tomorrow then? You can't live in the future. Time is a funny thing, you know.

The past is gone, there is nothing to be gained by wishing what has gone before to change, because, it won't. So therefore, there is no sense in having regrets. I have always believed that I don't have any regrets because everything that has happened in my life up to now has brought me to where I am. LOL, I am not trying to go philosophical on your ass, but that's the way I think. Tomorrow may never come, yesterday is just that, a memory, a mile marker on the road of life, a billboard that you passed on your journey to where you are going. I often equate living life with driving a car. So many people either keep looking in the rear view mirror (the past) as they drive, or farther down the road (the future) or messing around in the car with their radio or cell phone, or doing some activity and they don't pay attention to what is right outside their window. That's life passing by as you go. If you spend all your time looking in the rear view mirror, how can you see where you are? If you spend all your time looking farther down the road, how can you see where you are? If you spend all your time busy messing around with all the objects in your car, how can you tell where you are? Use the past (the rear view mirror) as a marker to see where you came from, to note that you have made progress, don't obsess with it. And looking further down the road means that the important turn off that you made need to make won't happen as it comes up so fast and you will be so focused on what's down the road, you just pass it by. In other words, the old axiom, "where ever you are, be there" makes a lot of sense. You can't be in 2 places at once, you can't be "here" in the now if you're busy lost in the past. You can't be "here" in the now if you're too busy worrying about where you will be 10 miles from now, because you very well could be dead or broke down in 5 miles, or 3 or 50 feet. See how that works?

So, anyway, I will go in tomorrow and only God knows what will happen. I certainly don't expect a miracle to happen, as that would be what I would want. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I will have to accept the outcome. As it is often said, "Nothing, but nothing happens in God's world by accident". Sometimes that's had to take, especially when you see something like the story I posted about the fatal DUI crash involving the Tolly Carr from WXII in North Carolina. Does that mean that the victim, Casey Bokhoven, who was just steps from his door, was destined to die the way he did? These are the perplexing questions that many of us ask. Then you have to come back to "accepting" it for what it is, a tragic death. Was it preordained for him to die? was that God's plan? if so, why? for what purpose?

I will try to just stay positive and focused on where I am now, sitting here in the war room typing on the blog and listening to the I-radio. I don't know where I will be in an hour, though I do have some things that I need to get done. I just pray that I have the strength and courage to accept whatever happens. As it is said, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

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